Sunday, February 19, 2006

Defenders Saturday (A Day Late)

Hey. As you've noticed I've been not doing this for a while. Part of that is laziness (a big part) but part of it is also that this next story is both long and gloriously goofy. So I was intimidated. I have decided to break it up into more managable chunks so this issue will be in two or three parts. Here's part one.

Marvel Feature presents the Defenders Issue 3

We start out with two astronauts landing in the middle of the ocean. Waiting in the ocean is General “Thunderbolt” Ross, Hulk’s arch-enemy (but mostly in a Moby Dick/Capt. Ahab kind of way). Apparently Hulk’s been quiet so he has time to stand around on an aircraft. With him is Jim Wilson who can apparently control the Hulk.

The capsule lands on a whirlpool somewhat arbitrarily. Equally arbitrarily the Sub-Mariner is around to rescue them. A Giant Squid attacks the space capsule (everybody knows how those squids can’t get enough giant metal things). Sub-Mariner saves the day and gets pissed off at sailors who point that he saved the day. “Fools! Do you think I care about your paltry Headlines? I saved this capsule because it was likely to have men within. Yet to do so I harmed a denizen of the DEPTHS. And, by Nepture, I LIKED IT NOT!” Sailors don’t like being called fools and decide to attack, not showing all that much smarts.

They scuffle a little, and Jim Wilson shows up to say “Hey stop fighting those sailors or I’ll sic the Hulk on you” More or less. And the Sub-Mariner acknowledges that it was wrong of him to let those sailors attack him. The Astronauts on the other hand, think that Sub-Mariner has the right idea. If these swabbies were doing their jobs right, the space program would run smoothly.

Yeah I’m not sure I follow that either.

Anyway they announce that they are leaving the space program and taking up a life of celebrity. That doesn’t seem like a very good career plan today, but this was back in the day. The offer a cut of their astronaut money to Namor, but he turns them down. “Now I RETURN to the deep, for, it seems I dived for GIANTS, and brought forth but a pair of MINNOWS!” In rapid succession the astronauts get their picture taken, but the pictures don’t come out. Then they immediately sign a TV PACT!

Their show title – the Astronuts! It’s about two stupid astronauts who try to keep Xemnu (from the Magic Planet (which is just to the left of the Planet of Making Stuff Up). His first line is “And I’m going split right BACK there as soon is I get PAID, I am, I am.” Yes, apparently all the planets of the galaxy went through a vaudeville period. We see kids really getting into it, despite the fact that it is crap. This is a sign that something is wrong because in the real world, people never continue watching shows they know are crap.

Then Xemnu says “In fact, you’ve been SO wonderful to me that I might just take you WITH me when I go next month.” But does Xemnu really mean it? Tune in next time for the shocking continuation of this recap.

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