Friday, June 30, 2006

The Story of the Guy With a Tank

September 3, 2002 Ari Fliescher, White House Press Secretary, announces the existence of a Guy With a Tank in the backwoods of Montana. "We see this as a clear threat to our nations soverignty. This tank could descend on the capitol of Montana, Helena, and lay waste to it. For this reason we are seeking approval from Congress to mount an appropriate response."

October 17, 2002 Condoleeza Rice appeared before Congress today, speaking in favor of the administrations plan to place Montana under martial law in order to capture the Guy with a Tank. She painted a grim scenario of what could happen if the administration did nothing. "We don't know this tanks full capabilities. It could have depleted uranium shells. It could have biological or chemical weapons. It might even be a super tank from the future. It must be stopped."

April 3, 2003 Martial law is imposed over Montana. Widespread rioting occurs in Helena and other larger towns. Donald Rumsfeld noted that "Freedom is messy" and also suggested that the occupation of Montana would be brief and uneventful. So far the Guy with a Tank has not been found.

July 23, 2003 US Authorities have revealed a car lot with several Off Road Vehicles, which might have, if unified, posed some form of threat to the people of the United States. Commenting on the Fox Network, Sean Hannity said "These vehicles are made of sturdy materials and can reach speeds of 90 miles per hour. This totally justifies our occupation of Montana, and anybody who disagrees is liberal slime." Liberals remain unconvinced. Said Tom Daschele, "SUVS are not Tanks, let alone super tanks."

May 19, 2004 President Bush continues to be embarrassed by accusations that he occupied Montana under false pretenses, but he continues to defend his policy. "We could not hesitate when threatened with a Guy in a Tank, and I promise that that as President I will do what it takes to keep the American People safe from all threats."

June 28, 2006 Tank specialists were called in to testify on the existence of several tank commanders helmets recovered at Earls Military Supply during the occupation of Montana. Said Leroy Hankerson, "Tank Helmets are not intrinsically dangerous. I mean I guess if you headbutted someone with one on you could hurt them. But the same is true of almost any sort of helmet. I know in my closet I have helmets that could do just as much damage, and I'd guess members of the committee do too." Rep. Curt Weldon replied, "I certainly do not have any Tank Helmets in my closet, and I think the speculation that I might is dangerous and unfounded. It is a deliberate attempt to blur the issue, which is that President Bush suggested that Tank Related Activities were occuring in Montana, and that is exactly what these helmets prove!"

No comments: