Fake News Story

In an exclusive to the Fake News Service, we have learned that Senator Kerry is dropping out of the race after reading a particularly trenchant article by Ben Shapiro (who some call the Boy Prognosticator).

At a press conference, Senator Kerry looked emotional as he said, "It has come to my attention that my campaign is about nothing but my service in Vietnam. According to America's most reliable columnist, Ben Shapiro, I have no other plans or programs. Allow me to quote Mr. Shapiro. "John Kerry's entire presidential campaign has been predicated upon the idea that he won some medals in Vietnam -- and that, as a medal winner, he'll be a friend to American soldiers."

The Senator stood silent a moment, quivering with emotion, and then said, "I must apologize to the American people. I could have sworn I was putting forward plans to improve our education, to improve our Foreign Policy, to work with our allies in containing terrorism, to provide more support to emergency first responders and to get our economy back on the right track. I know that many Republicans might disagree with my plans, but I thought that at least I was putting them before the American people."

He looked down for a moment and then continued, "It's clear, however, that I wasn't. I was simply running as a guy who won some medals in Vietnam. So I must withdraw my bid for the Presidency. This is 2004, not 1970. America needs a President who's focused on the here and now."

Sources close to the Senator stated that Ben Shapiro's charges relating to the allegations of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth may have had more to do with the Senator's decision. "I mean, the guy has extensively responded to these charges. The New York Times and the Los Angeles Times have both debunked these claims. And yet Ben Shapiro is out there saying that Senator Kerry hasn't responded to them at all."

On Kerry Campaign Staffer, her head in her hands, said, "Look, Shapiro is out there saying that the Senator refuses to release his records. It must be true, or Shapiro wouldn't dare to say it. But I could have sworn that we did release those records. And Senator Kerry offered to answer any questions." At that point the staffer became too emotional to continue.

In the last lines of his enormously influential essay, Shapiro writes, "Sen. Kerry, you wanted to relive the Vietnam era, and now, you've got it. All you have to do is release your records. Now's the time: Either put up, or shut the hell up." The Senator has apparently decided to take Young Ben's advice.

This has been a Fake News story. We now return you to our regularly scheduled commentary.