Examiner finds man breathing in morgue

The Associated Press is reporting that a man in Raleigh North Carolina was found breathing in the Morgue. Here with additional commentary is Irwin J. McIckleson, a fictional 1910s plutocrat.

Once again we see that this modern world has abandoned the traditions that made this country great. Remember it was tradition that caused the United States to break away from England. And it was tradition that led the North to victory over the South in the Civil War. And you have abandoned tradition.

In my day it was considered indecent for anybody to breath in the morgue. It was a terrible strain on our morgue workers, having to dash in holding their breath, working until they turned blue and then dashing back out. But it was worth it. Because it was tradition. And also because the souls of dead men would try to enter their bodies through the mouth and cause sickness and dementia. So you see this tradition was based on wise consideration. But you, foolish future men, you have opened yourself up to madness by allowing your morgue attendants to work in the morgues will breathing!

Upon reflection, Mr. McIckleson's words may not be entirely germane to the story, but he makes some . . . points and I need to fill up the page somehow.